Melanie:    "Mark, you never peed on me.  Do I not excite you?"    9-5-15

Jen:    "You don't rape us, but you do rub your d*ck on us."    7-2-15

Brian: "That cancer works faster than my body work."    6-17-15

Nikki: "I'm gonna have a banana party.  And it's gonna be BYOB...Bring your own bananas."    12-20-14

Dan: "[Mark,] have some class!"    5-30-14

Dave: "Now that you [Deb] got a smart phone, you're gonna be a smart ass."    4-26-14

Dan: "Are you on call?"
Drew: "No"
Dan: "When do you work next?"
Drew: "When they call me next."    4-12-14

Care: "I'm so much better at playing with Pat's balls"    3-12-14

Mother: "Is Mark coming [to trivia]?"
Me: "No"
Mother: "Oh good."    3-11-14

Care: "I don't like when men just pull out their genitals."    3-5-14

Amber: "I don't know it [Judas Priest song] and I don't like it."    3-1-14

Care: "You know what, Dan?  I like you less when you're not drinking."    1-29-14

Dan: "I don't judge women by looks."    3-27-13

Tom: "Don't they have a lot of good coke in Mexico?  I mean liquid coca Cola."    3-27-13

Care: "I'm going into the bar to sober up."     1-23-13

Virg: "I'm intimidated by your [Care's] tits."    4-25-12

Jen: "Can I have a water?"
Waitress: "We only have bottles.  Or I can give you a cup of ice and there's a fountain downstairs."
Jen: "I'll take a Bud Light then."    4-5-12

Kevin: "I would like fat boobies in my face"     3-23-12

Andrew: "It would be weird if humans laid eggs."     3-22-12

Collan: "I don't love anything, but I love New Orleans."     3-13-12

Andrew: "I really like smoking."     3-13-12

Nathan: "Can I please have my cigarettes?"    3-4-12

Phil: "Indiana people are weird."    3-3-12

Mark: "My one friend...she sucks."    1-4-12

Andrew: "I kind of want to shoot more."    12-11-11

Pa: "You better watch it, Ma, or you're gonna get the finger again."    10-13-11

Security at the Demo: "This is a family event, not a porno."    9-24-11

Brian S: "Sometimes you gotta pick those crusty #*!@ers up." 10-2-11

Brian: "Do you think that if I stopped drinking every time I did something stupid I would be where I am today?"    9-25-11

Mother: "Make sure Luke has his life preserver for the go karts."    6-4-11

Paula: "It said 'with rib meat'
Mother: "That's chopped up chicken sh*t"    4-30-11

Nikki: "Dan, your wiener cannot be fixed."    4-1-11

Boss: "Is is [Old Taylor] bourbon or something?"
George: "It's sh*t!"
Boss: "It tastes like wood."    3-25-11

Cristal:  just realized my b~day is about 28days away gonna be 25 half way to 30 YIKES!!!! :\    1-26-11

Angela: "I can string my vagina better than that"    12-4-10

Me: "Is that _____?"  What happened to her?
Dan: "Time."    11-27-10

Care: "Where did you get that Chuck's hoodie?"
Paula:   "Chuck's."    11-17-10

Dan: "I like her c*nt to smell like my farts."    11-11-10

Me (speaking of first dates): "Dan, just be yourself."    7-26-10

Dan: That bear is eating shit.  I just lost all respect for our football team." 7-26-10

Sign at Devil's Tower: No molesting of prairie dogs"
Care: "You'll have to register, Dan."
Dan: "I'll never be allowed within 500 feet of a prairie dog again    7-25-10

Dan: "I'm a well-known special Olympian."    7-23-10

Dan: "Lets take 90 all the way to Seattle.  I hate faggot coffee drinking hippies."    7-23-10

Care:    "What part of the trip are you guys most looking forward to?"
Amber: "Deadwood."
Dan: "Getting something to eat."
Me: "Going home."    7-23-10

Dan: "I prefer a bowling ball over Amber.  I can fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball."    7-23-10

Angela: "How does the candle work? Do you just put it in the stove and let it burn?"
Vince: "Are you a pollack?!"        7-30-10

Dan: "What if I impregnated you?"
Nikki: "I would abort the baby!"    7-30-10

Angela (To Nikki): "I would bang you if you were straight. I only bang straight chicks!"    7-29-10

Angela: "We aren't dikes if we are cousins" 7-13-10

Me: "How do you slice an egg? Is it boiled?"
Angela: "Well, I'd hope so!"

Brian: "It's not cheating if you only put the tip in"    7-3-10

Phil: "If I showed you my penis, which may or may not be circumcised, would you put it in your mouth."    7-3-10

Nikki:    "We [Greeks] don't die...we multiply."    6-21-10

Hector : "Your new name should be Angela Nipplelopoulos!"    6-11-10

Krapal:    "Not only am I hysterical, I'm historical."    6-5-10

Pa:    "I do my best work in the dark."    5-27-10

Vince- "I'll eat the both of yous"
Angela- "You want chipotle?"    5-15-10

Angela- "I'm sucha whore!" 5-15-10

Angela- "I'm pooping, close the door!"    5-15-10

Amy- "5 plus 1 equals 6"    5-15-10

Tony- "Dans a good guy"    5-15-10

Brian- "Why would we need wood when we have chairs?"  5-15-10

Angela- "Brian gets pissed???" 5-15-10

Vince- ::burps::
Angela- "Woo I def smell the onions in that one"
Vince- "Its a good thing I had chicken Nuggets"

Angela- "It smells like Burger King in your car"
Vince- "It does? I havent eaten Burger King. Is that a good thing it smells like that?"
Angela- "Well, yeah I'm just saying it smells like their onion rings"  5-14-10

Vince- ::Burps::
Angela- "Did you drink gatorade?"
Vince- "No, why?"
Angela- "Cause it smells like Orange gatorade" 5-14-10

Mark: "I only had one one-night stand...and I married her."    3-26-10

Care: "I'm dripping all over the place."    3-21-10

Megan: "Brian, I will spread them  out for you."    3-19-10

Amy: "I'm the lead dumbest."    3-5-10

Mark: "How could you not like a blowjob? Even gay guys like blowjobs."    2-26-10

Paula: "How did you know I did it?"
Colin: "I saw you do it."
Paula: "Oh."

Vince: "I shoulda brought a bong for you..."
Angela: **blank stare**...
Vince: "haha no a BEER bong!"
Angela: "Oh hahahahaha"....

Jen:    "Go pee so I can comb my hair."    1-28-10

George: "I kind of want cancer"     2-6-10

Dan: "Chemo tickles."    2-6-10

George: "If we wake up tomorrow, call him back.  If not, game over."    2-6-10

Care: "Change the station, it's too loud."    2-6-10

Care: "I scratched myself with a spoon."    2-6-10

Brian: "Dan was right; you really are gay."    2-6-10

Brian: "When I used to be young..."
Care: "You used to be young?"    2-6-10

Brian: "You mean like in a parallel world?"
George: "No, like here."    2-6-10

George: "She will smoke your c*@#."
Dennis: "Where's Vince?"    2-6-10

Andrew: "Things could be worse."    1-17-10

Angela: "I'm easily bangable"    1-15-10

Angela: "Is that the same thing just different flavor?" 12-26-09

Angela: "I'm sorry for the discoloration of my anus!" 12-26-09

Brian: "We've got so much money we can crash cars for fun.  Other countries don't even have cars."    9-19-09

Nikki: "You shut your mouth when you talk to me!"    9-19-09

Paula: "The elbow got me in the refrigerator."    9-13-09

Beth: "I only do anal because I want to preserve my virginity."    9-5-09

Care: "Why are you getting a haircut?"
Andrew: "Because my mom said so."    9-1-09

Paula: "You [Dan] smell like a an actual skunk."    9-1-09

Jen: "You released something on me:     7-24-09

Nikki: "If you're not Greek or Italian, you're just stupid."    7-24-09

Brian S.: "I give you [Sarah] a lot of credit for hanging out with these guys."    7-26-09

To-mmy: "Where did you get this duck?"    7-15-09    (You had to be there to get the full effect)

Paula: "Do you think I'm in any condition to make a bullsh*t?"    7-11-09

Paula: "How do I roll these dice again so I can make you uh uh?"     7-11-09

Care: "Your cousin's wife is dying tonight."    7-11-09

Care: "Megan, feel how hairy my legs are."    7-11-09

Care: "Are you going to sleep under the table?"
Paula: "No, because apparently I can't find the floor."    7-11-09

Nikki: "I need a shot of smooth runningness."    7-11-09

George: "I don't know how to communicate with sober women."    7-10-09

Dan: "I haven't seen this many handicapped people since I worked at SWSRA."     7-9-09

Nikki: "I'm clean but in a dirty way."     7-3-09

Lee: "Nathan peed in the sink because Phil was pooping"    6-27-09

Angela: "The water was wet."     6-15-09

Angela: "The cat had a glass fake eye; well, it was a dog.  May not have been fake, but it wasn't real."     6-15-09

Me: "I'll be OK for the cubs game.  I have an emergency poncho"    6-15-09 (Not sure why it made Nikki's list from that night...)

Me: "The orange line is above ground."     6-15-09 (Once again, not sure why this made Nikki's list...)

Me: "Why does their stuff [tractor] work and ours doesn't?"
Dan: "Drew doesn't use their stuff."    6-6-09

Jen: "I'm gonna throw a party and we're either gonna have food or we're not." 6-3-09

Wikipedia about Arnold: "Schwarzenegger once said of his fortune, 'Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million, but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.' "

Aric: "I think by all laws of physics we should all be dead after what happened this weekend but i think even the laws of physics are confused of what really happened"    5-26-09

Nikki: "I'm not good at boiling water."     4-28-09

Nikki: "Today will be a continuance of tomorrow."    4-28-09

Paula: "Wow, I just watched Carolyn get raped by Vince"
Carolyn: "I didn't even feel it"    4-25-09

Dan: "Her [Care] ass is like a Top Notch Burger."
Me: "Yeah...greasy and scrumptious"    4-25-09

Mother: "Jimmy, who are you living with?"
Jimmy: "Myself."
Mother: "But with who?"    4-25-09

George W. Bush in Chicago Tribune: Bush also delivered some humor in his premier as a retired president - suggesting that he will need more engagements such as this to pay for his new house in Dallas - "I actually paid for a house last fall,'' he quipped. "I think I'm the only American to have bought a house in the fall of 2008.''    3-18-09

Brian: "It's not rotting flesh I's Olive Garden"     3-13-09

Dan: "What are you wearing?"
Amber: "Nothing"     3-12-09

Brian: "I thought I was a scumbag.  The I look at you [Dan].   I'm a great guy."     3-8-09

Dan: "I don't spread rumors. I spread hepatitis."     2-28-09

????: "Why did you just drin that whole glass of wine?"
Dan: "My dentist told me it was good for my heart."     2-28-09

????: "We should sing a Greek song."
Krapal: "You mean from the mvie Grease?"    2-21-09

Care: "I wish I was British so I could say, 'I've got my bloody period'." 2-15-09

Dan: "I normally don't fart." 2-13-09

Broad: "You [Steven Seagal] are just like them [gangbangers]."
Seagal: "No, I'm a lot f#$%ing worse."

Angela (texting): "I'm takin a poop at nikkis n textn u n nikki at the same time...while drinkin...f*@#in multi tasker baby!" 1-1-09

Care: "she [Virg] just said to me (re: Miller)  'You're still making out with that dog? You must have had one too many martinis.' " 12-29-08

Jackie: "That dog [Snuggies] is pathetic." 12-28-08

Deb: "I'm not sick"  12-27-08

Angela: "I got balls in my vagiNa" 12-20-08

Care: "The Midwest is flatter than me." 10-10-08

Megan: "If you guys (Care & Boss) had babies they would either be really tall like you, short like you, or somewhere in between."  7-25-08 from Care

Care: "It's 2:30am and I'm eating chips with guac, sour cream & salsa.... It's like a cross between heaven and hell and that's why it's called life" 7-18-08

Dan: "It's like your @#$%ing and little boy, but you don't feel gay." 7-14-08

Lee: "Wanna lemon drop?"
Paula: "Sure, since you twisted my arm and all."  6-21-08

Brian: "These are the best White Castles ever.  They taste like if Jesus came in my mouth."  6-20-08

Samantha: "I like smelling armpits."  6-18-08

Care: "I love when short guys have to jump up to hump me" 5-24-08

Care: "My eyes are sweating." 5-20-08

Waitress at Pete's Bungalow: "I hate people like you."  5-17-08

Samantha: "I'm going to drink until my liver has a heart attack." 5-10-08

Dan: "You have jellybean genitals." 5-10-08

Karen: "You hit the back of my throat." 5-7-08

Dan: "You're going to be Central Steel's slut." 5-7-08

Mother: "Look at Tom's balls just standing over there." 5-4-08

Steve: "I wish I could shoot like I did last night." 5-4-08

Jimmy: "Our beer-to-log ratio is f*cked up. "  4-26-08

Brian: "So I take it you never had the clap."
Jimmy: "No, but I've gotten applause."   4-26-08

Paula: "Where did you find these guys?"     4-26-08

Paula: "You guys are assholes...but you're pretty."
Jimmy: "Yeah...we're pretty much assholes."     4-26-08

Dan: "Big Frank don't know what the hell is going on there." 4-15-08

Care: "I'm gonna be counseling his victims." 4-15-08

Dan: "I'm gonna keep you with a job." 4-15-08

Tiffany: "There's a bug on my shoe." 3-29-08 in Michigan

Cristal: "OH MY LORD! WOW!!! Still in shock hold on!! Ok so what is he having? How did he react when he found out? DAN a BABY man well tell him I said congratulations and GOOD LUCK!"  3-13-08

Cristal: "Wait he's having a BABY?????????"  3-13-08

Cristal: "Lol that's funny wow Dan a dad. Wait Dan is actually getting some! Geez what is the world coming to..jk" 3-13-08

Dan: "It's my fault.  I suck." 3-6-08

Edgar: "I blew my nose just now and simultaneously I know how a volcano feels like." 2-11-08

Care: "I don't know what I was doing, but I was cleaning the bathroom." 1-30-08

John: "When you're pushed, killing is as easy as breathing." 1-25-08

John: "F*ck the world!" 1-25-08

Aric: "I'd rather be told I had AIDS than a kid." 1-25-08

Dan: "I'm a real man...I can knock up men and women." 1-20-08

Dan: "I watch this for the cunts." 1-18-08

Dan: "For once I sit here defeated." 1-12-08

Tony: "I need a drink or a boob...something to hold on to." 1-12-08

Care: "What's our handicap?"
Virg: "Dan" 1-12-08

Virg: "I don't wanna look at pussies all night long." 1-2-08

Tiffany: "I'm not putting that whole big thing in my mouth." 12-31-07

Nikki: "I feel more in control when I drive drunk." 12-30-07

Nikki: "Greeks don't lie...especially women." 12-30-07

Uncle Dennis: "I can't believe it bit me in the ass." 12-29-07

Dan: "We should all just butt-f*ck." 12-28-07

Dan: "I got her by the balls." 12-28-07

Dan: "I jerk off everywhere." 12-28-07

Eddie: "It's almost the best part of life...eating a burrito." 12-28-07

Care: "I was yawning through my nose and it made me cry." 12-26-07

Aric: "This [Schlitz] is a horrible beer." 12-26-07

Dan: "I would never withhold sex from a man." 12-22-07

Dan: "I would like to go on the record and call Megan a snatch hole." 12-20-07

Andrew: "That's what the Asian women do...they give head after a massage." 12-20-07

Pa: "You know those Greeks don't know how to cook." 12-19-07

Dan: "I can be a cold-hearted bastard if I want to be." 12-15-07

Virg: "I just want to shoot myself." 12-5-07

Dan: "That's me and my lady friend right after..." 12-5-07   slamming her." 12-5-07

Dan: "After drinking, my farts are worse than nuclear fission." 12-1-07

Care: "I have a quote I said today... I wish you were there 'I only break up with people for the make-up sex.' It was funny you should have been there. "  11-28-07

Dan: "That's all there is to life is screwing." 11-28-07

Sarah: "I forgot to warn Tiffany that Dan expels gas at an alarming rate." 11-24-07

Samantha: "Yeah...but I'm a woman. There's no hope for me." 11-24-07

Amber: "I'm all wet." 11-21-07

Andrew: "I suck at sucking." 11-3-07

Nikki: "Did you know that I write all of the emails while I'm drunk or stoned?  That's when I think the clearest." 10-29-07

Mama Pat: "They gotta be opened to open." 10-16-07

Dan: "I hope hell annexes Arizona." 10-6-07 after the Cubs lost

Dad: "She's [Amy] like a drain." 10-13-07

Brian: "You [Sarah] wanna romp in the saddle with the king?" 10-13-07

Dan: "I'm going to blame this loss on myself." 9-19-07

Me: "I'm romantic"
Care: "I know.  That's why I married you...and because of your wads of money and huge Italian cock." 9-19-07

Care: "I hate him! He's not right for a human being." 9-9-07

Eddie: "Why won't you stick your [Megan] finger in my butt?" 9-1-07

Eddie: "Let's make him Jimmy No glasses." 9-1-07

Sarah: "We need to put a door up here." 8-2-07

Dan: "If he [Mark] were a chicken, his legs would be white meat." 8-2-07

Care: "Why is the moon jumping around?" 8-1-07

Care: "Don't you like Megan?"
Mark: "I hate Megan!!" 8-1-07 (You had to be was more of the tone than the actual words)

Me: "I have confidence in my random luck." 7-30-07

Care (11:55:35 AM): " 'Bonanza is a great American show for great Americans. If you don't like it you're a Muslim terrorist. It's that simple. Life is not complicated.' -my dad 7/1/07"     7-1-07

Dan: "Come smell my dick."     6-28-07

Dan: "I like your teeth."     6-28-07

Dan: "I'm expelling gas at an alarming rate." 5-5-07

Sarah: "It was longer last night." 5-5-07

Phil: "The poop is good, Vince." 3-27-07

Megan: "They got extra sauce on the pizza to make it cheesier."  3-14-07

Gram: "That Britney [Spears] used to be a nice girl.  Now she's just a slut." 2-21-07

Pa:  "Evanston...that place sucks."  2-21-07

Edgar: "No confirmation password for my plane ticket was 5 GQ." 11-26-06

Care: "I'm gonna give Vince a blowjob and spit it in Angela." 11-25-06

Edgar: "I know Polish...I've been to Dublin" 10-21-06

Angela: (11:44:36 PM): ive got the 5 B's...Beauty, Boobs, body, booty, and brains 10-17-06

Dan (to Nikki): "Please keep your hands off my genitals." 10-5-06

Mrs. Budz: "What is Frank doing on this card?" 9-27-06

Care: (10:17:16 AM): I just forget to remember 9-19-06

Me (to Samantha): I would've pulled out for you." 9-12-06

Care (2:10:50 AM): I got good news and bad news
Care (2:11:15 AM): bad news first... I didnt plan on getting drunk and staying out til 2:00 but I did
Care (2:11:20 AM): good news... I'm drunk

Sarah: "That guy in the skirt was checking me out." 7-26-06 in Chinatown

Me: "Nikki, you fell."
Nikki: "I thought the counter was closer." 6-27-06

Care (2:27:29 PM): holy crap i hate that place [Old Country Buffet].  6-11-06

Tami: "I'm gonna chuke on you." 5-26-06

Megan: "Dan, where are your sandals?
Dan: "On my feet." 5-26-06

Brittany (from a survey): Been out of the country: Does Mexico count? 5-5-06

Ed (from bowling): "You don't need a girlfriend until you're married." 5-1-06

Prof. Oruklu: "I'm going backwards, but just to represent what's going on." 4-24-06

Ray: (12:04:10 AM): I am the biggest fucking moron in the entire world of computer engineering 4-22-06

(12:31:35 AM): oh yeah i understand [about English becoming a secondary language in the United States], today there were these damn arabs or whatever yellin ALALALABLAHBLAHBALHALLAH     4-20-06

Care: "I had myself three times today." 4-5-06

Eddie: "My dick got crushed by an anvil." 4-5-06

Tony: "I need a 30 pack of condoms.  I wear out the condom; the condom doesn't wear me out." 4-5-06

Krapal: "I don't have any quotes; I need to get funnier.  I'm gonna practice. [Everyone laughs] ...I practiced that for weeks." 4-5-06

Eddie: "I'd like to eat her burrito."
Care: "Ew! She's a tranny?"
Eddie: "Oh!  I mean taco."  4-5-06

Eddie: "My asshole smells nice." 4-5-06

Dan: "Why don't we go upstairs and I'll donkey punch you." 3-30-06

Megan: "You [George] can de-virginize me if you want." 3-30-06

Ray: (10:19:22 PM): good u be a woman and do all the work, ill get drunk off my ass and slap Oruklu over the head and call him a pussy" 3-27-06

Tony: "Why does everyone want to cum on my face?" 3-22-06

Dan: "Drink mixed drinks or shots.  They're much healthier." 3-22-06

Angela: "bowling is for pussy looking dick sucking ball scratching monkey fucking losers" 3-20-06

Care: "But I spent all my money on's three dollars." 3-17-06

Care: "Vince, I need another beer; oh wait, this one is full" 3-16-06

Cristal: "What did you give up for Lent?"
Me: "Why Lent, why not just for March?"
Cristal: "I only do it for a month." 3-4-06

Me: "Want an onion?"
Mother: "What is it?" 3-4-06

Angela: "I want to become a double alcoholic." 2-23-06

Angela "We gotta make babies soon; my eggs are getting old."  2-23-06

Polish Holly: "Diana Summers...isn't she from the Supremes?"  2-22-06

Angela  (9:36:44 PM): "u no im so talented right now, I'm studying and talking to you at the same time...Thats something Angela is very proud of!" 2-21-06

Angela (9:31:02 PM): wow those are two mighty big words!...oh yeah...i keep thinking today is retarted
Angela (9:31:06 PM): retarded*
Angela (9:31:07 PM): lmao           2-21-06

Angela (9:22:01 PM): "i hate studying" 2-21-06

Karen: "Let's watch an Arnold movie." 2-19-06

Karen: "It's like a paper cut with my nail." 2-19-06

????: "I'm getting hair in my mouth from the balls." 2-9-06

Care: " [Nikki] look so cute with that hat a little cancer patient." 2-7-06

Nikki: "I can't forget my food tomorrow...I mean tonight." 1-24-06 [and she forgot it anyway]

Nikki: "I've never played one on one but I played single." 1-24-06

Nikki: "I thought with my kidney infection I'd say no [to drinking]."  1-24-06

Nikki: "Where the hell is it [a cup in our beer pong game] going?" 1-24-06

Samantha: "It's raining snow." 1-22-06

Cristal: "I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid." 1-19-06

Cristal: "I was missing skin and it got replaced by a bruise." 1-16-06

Cristal: "This fork [a standard silver fork at Olive Garden] is heavy." 1-16-06

Nikki: "How many minutes are in a kilometer?" 1-16-06

Holly: "Wake up and smell the sunshine." 12-28-05

Care: "We should donate blood so we can get drunk faster." 12-28-05

Angela: "We should play spin the bottle."
Care (2 minutes later): "We should play spin the bottle." 12-28-05

Nikki: "It smells like incest." 12-28-05

Angela (11:58:19 AM): i get more ass than a toilet seat man!:-D 1-4-06

Uncle Don (to Carri): "Get the f*ck out of my way."
Gram: "What did you say?"
Uncle Don: "I tried to find a nicer way to put it, but I couldn't." 12-25-05

Pa: "Debbie, you need some more help? I got some more women back there." 12-25-05

Samantha: "Vaginal sex is for pussies." 12-22-05

Jim: "I'm so sober." 12-16-05

Jim: "I got kicked out [of Bourbon Street] twice and I'm still here." 12-16-05

Security guy at Bourbon Street: "Get him [Jim] to bed." 12-16-05

Ray: "You're a delusional hallucination."
Me: "A delusional"
Ray: "Well, if you're not a hallucination, I am and you created me, you sick fuck." 12-13-05

Johnny: "Why did everybody get tickets in this section?" 12-10-05

Nikki: "I like it when guys stick their feet in my mouth and I lick their toes." 12-10-05

Nikki: "I just wanna call you [me] my brother." 12-10-05

Care: "I'm getting seasick on this thing [an escalator]." 12-10-05

Johnny: "I need either Tylenol or a beer." 12-10-05

Nikki: "I'm on 87th street heading toward 79th street." 12-10-05

Ray: "damn it.. tell your friends to say something witty. The prospect of new quotes on your page is the only reason I wake up anymore" 12-10-05

Professor Velenis: "Ray, you look confused." 12-06-05

George (4:51:31 PM): Women, bah
George (4:51:38 PM): Lets go gay and get married 11-17-05

Me: "It's is so cold out here."
Ray: "Well I can throw gas on you and light you on fire." 11-15-05

Karen: "The sperm laid an egg." 11-14-05

Janette: "I would tell you 'I love you' but I don't." 11-12-05

Karen: "I'll be back at eight-o-ten." 11-3-05

Karen" "It's [a cookie] alive because you fried it." 11-3-05

Karen: "Cookies are the fuel of sugar." 11-3-05

Chris: "I'm like war--you can't kill me." 10-28-05

Dennis: "It [Funky Llama] doesn't make you want to throw up.  It makes you want to lay down and shoot yourself." 10-28-05

Dennis: "I read this somewhere...actually it was on a Bud Light commercial." 10-28-05

George: "When I'm 70, I'm just going to walk around and fart on people." 10-28-05

George: "It's [Funky Llama] not painful.  It just makes you die on the inside." 10-28-05 at a completely different time as Dennis's comment

Me: "There's approximately 6 people here but there's exactly 5." 10-28-05

Chris: "Brownies are made of brown." 10-28-05

Care: "Am I winning?" 10-28-05 in the middle of a Circle of Death game

Care: "Somebody's gum is on my finger." 10-27-05

Tony: "You should have him [Mikey] dye his hair blue and put on glasses." 10-27-05

Megan: "Why are some of them bigger than other ones?" 10-24-05

Ray: "'Obvious', 'Hope', and 'Left to reader:' These are the phrases that strike fear in all grad students' hearts." 10-12-05

Professor Velenis: "You don't seem to get it.  I don't blame you." 10-12-05

Professor Velenis: "Here's where I should draw this diagram and confuse you again." 10-12-05

Tom: "Females are high maintenance." 10-10-05

Megan: "Sometimes a lack of sleep makes you more awake." 10-10-05

Ray: "how the hell are we supposed to prove generalized assertions about a topic not even the book seems to understand." 10-09-05

Care: "That's why I did that chaser of hot dog." 10-07-05

Megan: "Bring another bowl out here." 10-07-05

Megan: "I have this calculator...not this one." 10-09-05

Professor Velenis: "I see a lot of troubled faces.  We are going to stop at this point." 10-05-05

Professor Atkin: "Forget about subtraction, we only add." 10-04-05

Karen: "I heard Megan grumbling something." 10-04-05

Megan: "Technically it is tomorrow morning." 10-04-05

Care: "Broads who bleed together stay together." 9-30-05

Gram: "Where'd you get that chair?"
Pa: "I knocked that fat girl off it." 9-26-05

Lee: "I'm so hungry I need water." 9-22-05

Mother: "When are you going to get your [new] contacts?"
Me: "I don't know."
Mother: "Are you going to use them?" 9-18-05

Lee: "I'm so stuffed...actually I'm not."  9-15-05

Chris: "It's a long nine hour flight of driving to Poland." 9-8-05

ECE 519 Book page 38: "Note that since 1 + 1 = 0, 1 = -1.  Hence, in binary arithmetic, subtraction is the same as addition." This is in the chapter entitled Introduction to Algebra in which I can't solve any of the homework problems.

Amber: "You made me wet." 9-8-05

Karen: "Whoa...the walls are talking." 8-30-05

Karen: "Megan, get away from my tots." 8-30-05

Dan: "I was born in Egypt."
Care: "I thought you were born in Africa." 8-24-05

Me: "I have good news and bad news--the bad news is that we are out of Tequila and the good news is that we are out of Tequila."  8-10-05 (courtesy of Karen and Amber)

Jim: "I didn't fall again, did I?" 8-13-05

Dan: "I'm not lazy." 8-11-05

George: "There are no bugs out here." 8-11-05

Karen: "I wanna look extra hot for you because we are all scummy." 8-11-05

Jim: "I so need some toe." 8-11-05

Jim: "Not only am I a fag, but I'm drunk." 8-9-05

Jim: "Where's the table?" 8-8-05

Jim: "Seriously, where am I? There's Bit Burger, Bud Heavy, and multiple bottles of Gatorade." 8-8-05

Jim: "I can't believe I'm vertical" 8-8-05

Jim: "Who the fuck buys Milwaukee's Best Light.  I'd rather piss in a jar, let it sit for a couple days, and drink that." 8-8-05

Samantha: "I need a sundae--I'm overweight...I mean underweight." 8-4-05

Shannon: "Vince, you're a silly donkey dick licker." 8-3-05

Lisa: "I'm a full-blown Italian from Sicily" 7-29-05

Dan: "I beat off to men and I beat up women." 6-30-05

Mikey:  (12:53:41 PM): okay, my hetero lifemate. i love you. 6-24-05

Janette: "I am multifunctional--I can hear and listen at the same time." 6-14-05

Artisha: "They should make a diet water." 5-29-05

Jose: "My vibrator is broken." 5-28-05

Me: "Do you want me to toss your salad?"
Amber: "I don't like salad." 5-25-05

Johnny: "Dan is cleaning up the, he's actually making napalm" 5-24-05

Dan: "I'm an environmentalist." 5-24-05

Angela: "I need to get wasted so I can drive home drunk." 5-24-05

Care: "Is is snowing?" 5-23-05

Dan: "Just pull out your snatch and piss in the garbage can." 5-23-05

Care: "Why did you make jungle juice?"
Johnny: "Because you told me to." 5-23-05

Dan: "I farted on your penis." 5-23-05

Dan: "How is that gay?  All you're doing is wrapping your lips around my penis." 5-23-05

Jenny  (10:11:16 PM): yea, what is moo?
Jenny (10:11:26 PM): like moothers day? 5-8-05 again

Jenny:  (9:01:35 PM): what the hell is moo? 5-8-05

Care: (2:50:15 PM): happy mother's day ya motha fu... j/k heehee 5-8-05

"Don't buy a half-barrel unless you're having 150-200 people and know that, at least half of them are beer drinkers!"          (As we are planning to get 4 kegs for 10 people)

Care: "I'm a Caucasian Asian" 4-29-05

Ray: "Remember...trying is the first step toward failure." 4-26-05

Karen (online) (10:08:01 PM): when did i say the 3-30 [quote]
Me (online) (10:08:13 PM): on 3-30

Karen: "I want to go to a priest and be like 'I want to be a virgin.' " 4-24-05

Karen: "What state do you live in?  Like I live in Bridgeview, where do you live?" 3-30-05

Professor Behera: "2 and 3 were quite laborious." (Speaking about the 28 pages of midterm I handed in) 3-24-05

Professor Behera: "I hope you all gained a lot of circuit knowledge solving the take home exam" 3-22-05

Ray: "Spring Break??? HAAA i call it holy fuck thats a lotta homework." 3-16-05

Karen: "If you don't eat, you're going to get fat.  Your cells will get hungry and start eating your stomach.  Then your stomach is going to start bleeding.  To stop the bleeding, the cells will pile onto the cut on the stomach. Then it's going to scab and that's what makes you fat"  3-8-05

Professor Behera: "You probably are very confused right now...let's take a break." 3-3-05

Professor Behera: "Let me write it down again to clarify." 3-3-05

Professor Behera: "In case you weren't following, we are here now." 3-3-05

Andrew: "I haven't seen anything too weird yet except all the little small Japanese people." 2-26-05

ECE 502 book (page 71): "Thus, the elements of Vc are viewed as fictitious voltages.  In a sense these fictitious voltages are more fictitious than the fictitious loop currents."  This is graduate level electrical engineering :-)

Care: "Dan, why are you cuddling with an orange?" 12-28-04

Uncle Dennis: "I pierced my spheroid sack." 12-24-04

Eddie: "I broke up with my boyfriend because he is gay." 11-6-04

Vince: "Did you miss me, Mother?"
Mother: "Yeah, like a hemorrhoid." 11-6-04

Angela:  "Wow, Vince is with 3 girls...we should have a fivesome." 11-6-04

Nikki: "Whose house is that?  Oh one's."  11-6-04

Jackie: "I'm getting fat."    10-27-04

Eddie: "I'm not gay...I just fuck straight men."  10-21-04

Dan: "I like to have sex with women, pull out, and ejaculate on myself." 10-8-04

bigmandanXXX (12:47:09 AM): i have male and female genitalia - 10-8-04

Professor Stark - ECE 511: "There is nothing random about a random variable." 9-30-04

Dan: "I respect women." 9-20-04

Dan: "I am God's gift to women."  9-13-04

Carolyn: "Who's that talking to Nikki?"
Me: "Your brother"  9-6-04

Dan: "I like my burgers the way I like my women...bloody."  9-6-04

Cristal: "I'm sad."
Me: "Why?"
Cristal: "Because I'm not happy."  9-4-04

Dan: "I haven't had a girlfriend for so long; that's why I have to shave my palms."  8-24-04 (courtesy of John)

Dan: "I'm an Arabic, Austrian, African American...the 4 A's."  8-21-04

Jim:  (After waking up) "I feel like shit." (45 seconds later) "It's 10:40...shit...I have to start drinking."  8-11-04

Jim: "I've never been drunk enough that I can't drive home." 8-10-04

Dan: "I'm not paying for anything."  (the whole Michigan trip)

Dan: "I'm too lazy to have sex; that's why I don't get laid."  8-9-04

Dan: "I'm too lazy to give you gonorrhea." 8-9-04

Dan: "I'm a non-discriminating pussy fucker." 8-9-04

Jim:    "I don't drink."    6-18-04

Jimmy Carter:  "I don't drink."  6-17-04

Tom: "I can hardly resist Vince's anal acids."  6-9-04

Holly: "It's so cold it's burning my teeth."     5-19-04

Cristal: "Take down your pants."   5-16-04

DMBfan0427 (10:44:24 PM): "can like you,dan, and I have a 3 some?"  5-13-04

"All women are stupid" -- BMD 1-22-04
Addendum: "All women are stupid and illogical"    BMD 2-25-04
Another Addendum: "Women don't know shit."    BMD  5-7-04

BMD: "After a long day's work, all I want are a foot rub, some head, and some cunt." 4-27-04

BMD: "I don't litter."    4-18-04

BMD: "I can't wait to get married so I can cheat on my wife." 4-10-04

Ecclesisates 7:26-28: "Here is what I have discovered: A bad woman is worse than death.  She is a trap, reaching out with body and soul to catch you.  But if you obey God, you can escape.  If you don't obey God, you are done for.  With all my wisdom, I have tried to find out how everything fits together, but I have not been able to.  I do know there is one good man in a thousand, but never have I found a good woman." 

Vince: "Does he work seven days?"
Cristal: "Yeah, and sometimes weekends too."  3-30-04

DMBfan0427 (2:48:57 PM): "awww, dont be jealous...just think, if I were the homework, you'd be doing me" 3-29-04

Karen: "I like this head thing."    3-26-04

Katie: "I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings."    3-26-04

Karen: "Kill the bunny." 3-26-04

Angela: "we can have a party in my pants" 3-24-04

BMD: "I don't fart."    3-6-04

Me:  "Goodbye, Mother."
Mother: "Are you leaving?"    3-5-04

Dan: "You lied to us"
Katie: "We're women.  That's what we do."     2-25-04

BMD: "If you have gay friends, you're gay." 2-23-04

Dan: "So I can call bitches cunts?"
Amy: "Yeah, because they are."    2-19-04

Cristal: "Take a test high and you'll get high a score." 2-16-04

Angela: "I'm wetter than a fish" 2-15-04

BMD: "All Greeks are liars" 2-6-04

Vince: "Why are you sad?"
Cristal: "I'm crying."
Vince: "Why are you crying?"
Cristal: "I'm sad."  (Isn't that a fallacy of circular logic -- don't forget she is female :-) ) 2-1-04

Cristal to Vince: "I need to buy one of those whistling things."
Vince to Cristal: "A whistle?"
Cristal to Vince: "Yeah."  1-30-04  (See 2 below)

Carolyn to Vince: "I feel like going for a walk."
Vince to Carolyn:  "Well let's go for a walk then."
Carolyn to Vince: "No way, it's like negative zero below." 
Vince to Carolyn: "WOW!!!"    1-29-04 (See below)
(Arnold in T1: "Nice night for a walk.") Ha Ha!!

"All women are stupid" -- BMD 1-22-04
Addendum: "All women are stupid and illogical"    BMD 2-25-04

"I don't even think about sex" -- BMD  8-6-03